Tuesday's Silence

Okay, it is a Tuesday morning, and I am off work. Liss is having mounds of fun with the Arnolds. Guess what? She gets to go to Lookout mountain! I wish I was there with her. I am happy to be here though.

It is sort of strange being stuck with all the guys. Robby and Dad are at work, and David and Carter are home with me.

A few nights ago while I was in the process of falling asleep it occurred to me what I could do for the fall semester. I was going to be enrolling in a nursing course, but all the classes were full. I decided upon an online mathematics course. I badly need to brush up on my math. It seemed like a good thing. Study at home and only go to the campus three times for tests. I am happy to have enrolled in this course and I hope it will be a stress-free experience.

JP and his family leave on Thursday. I wondered if I would see him before he left, but I doubt it. His father's side of the family is visiting and he is probably busy.

It has been a peaceful day (save the annoying concepts and formulas that seem to go over my head).

I've thought- it's time to say goodbye to twenty years. It's like a row of memories rushing forth in my mind. Twenty years? Has it really passed? Gone.

I told my mom in a sad manner, "I want to be twenty forever."

Tomorrow is my twenty-first birthday. I have realized that the age is no matter, but the condition of one's heart. I want my heart to be pleasing in the sight of my Savior. To bring glory to him is my desire.

I thought about my crush today. To me, it doesn't make sense. It seems as if I want to grip on to an image in my mind and cling to it. He is not one who is in my life and that is for a reason. I try to tell myself that this is all so silly and yet it makes me suffer. What is the biggest thing to make me suffer? Longing. Feelings. I wish they would all go away. I hope that I will not be this silly in the future and not cling to images which are not real.

It is not always the enjoyable thing that is best for me. I thought (about) that yesterday when I thought how I waste so much time doing things which are not valuable, but my soul longs for the Truth, which comes from God alone.

Goodbye twenty years. I do not know how many years are left. Today's theme is a song by Ludovic Einaudi called Reverie. It is beautiful and fits my mood today. Goodbye today.

Can one break being clumsy?

Three weeks until my birthday and today's subject is my many, many mistakes.

It could almost be funny, but it is sad how many mistakes I make.

Yesterday, I was driving home in the hot weather of Escondido, and I realized that I would need gas soon. So rather than put it off for later, I handed over the green and pumped gas, pushing down fiercely on the handle. After I completed that, I decided the windows were dusty and badly begged for cleaning.

I cleaned the back window first. I put up the windshield wiper up and I began to clean the window, wiping in a horizontal fashion. Then, my arm bumped the wiper- crack! It had broken off. I looked around in desperation- I couldn't find anyone to help. So, ol' me tries to do it herself.

And again, I, while trying to re-attack the wiper, snap off the little hook on the wiper. I was upset, but then I've become accustom to these mistakes in a way.

At times I wish I didn't make so many mistakes. What if I did things exactly right? I think, "Oh it would be great!" I especially would like it even more if my brain could process things quickly, therefore resulting in myself being a much bigger help to my parents.

I can't be something I'm not.. I can try to be more careful and use my head but I can't change the "clumsy" girl I've been... and still am!

One time, when I had just started to learn how to drive, I knocked off the mirror on the side of the car bumping into a trashcan.One week ago I was over at my grandma's house preparing myself Greek yogurt. I had found the walnuts to put on the top and then I sought honey. I found an old glass jar of honey and just as I reach up to put it away it slipped from my hand, crashing down on the floor. The glass was everywhere and most people supposed it was me. Who else?

It makes me wonder... how long will this follow me? I can only hope I will become "less" of a clumsy girl.

Trusting in God,
E. Nickleby

When I realized...

Wish
–verb (used with object)
1.
to want; desire; long for (usually fol. by an infinitive or a clause): I wish to travel. I wish that it were morning.
2.
to desire (a person or thing) to be (as specified): to wish the problem settled.

I was driving yesterday on the freeway when I realized something bad that had been brewing inside me. My long-time wish was convicting me. I realized with much grief that I had been covetous. I was wanting something I didn't have. I yelled at myself: "Why do you wish something for something you don't have!" I realized after longing for something for so long that I had been wrong in doing so.

Does not God know what I need? Yes. Isn't God the one who gives all good things? I was ashamed at my own self. I prayed for forgiveness in much distress.

I believe that if God doesn't bless something it won't be meaningful. Take for instance a trip. If God doesn't bless it and one is pursuing something outside of God's will, one will eat bitterness. I said to myself: "I don't desire to pursue what is not God's will, and without God's salvation I become like those who go down to the pit."

To desire isn't always wrong. I want my desires to line up with God's own. To love what he loves and hate what he hates, should not we desire this?

But what about small desires? Like a candy bar? Those are not necessaries. Like shoes or clothing. I do think that all things in one's life are formed from their own being. Who they are. What they eat and how often they eat, ect. I believe all things are directed by God. If He has the hairs on our head measured He can direct us in how to eat.

From experience, partaking in sweets is not as enjoyable if the sweets are often taken. Also, I know the fact that indulging oneself is not as enjoyable as treating others.

Broccoli, Pilates and Sisters.

Today is Dad's birthday, or as Lissie says: "Daddy's birthday." Liss talks in this funny toned voice as she says this (she and I can make weird sounds). I think there are sounds she makes I could never replicate. ( :

Today, I awoke at 5:56 AM and I was happy to have not have had walked this morning. We took a long walk on the beach yesterday. Jeff, Liss, Mom and me. I was so tired upon coming home that I was jealous of my 15-year-old sister, who hopped in a warm, relaxing bath. ) :

Meanwhile, I helped Mom with the broccoli. My Mom assured me if I soaked the broccoli in cold water, that if little bugs were present they would start to emerge. No little bugs retreated from their hiding places- so I guess we're safe.

We had a delicious dinner of mac n' cheese with broccoli (I love broccoli! I know this is weird.).

Today, I took it slow. I was however, anxious to get started, so I reminded Mom about the pilates. I like the Windsor pilates videos-very good and challenging. Mom was my sole partner; Liss had started school already.

I admit I got mad at my littlest sister's bad attitude. Ugh, I said I was glad I was going to work. I think (now) I should not of said so. I would not want to hurt her, but let me tell you: sisters can be fun and completely pains. I know this from experience. I wouldn't trade mine for the world, but they do drive me nuts.

The Hunt for Men

I have recently been on yahoo personals, and let me tell you- it is hilarious. Why? All these people posting a picture and paragraph advertising themselves.

It's like a meat market- which cut of meat is most appetizing. Is Anthony the decent looking college student the best choice? Or the scary looking guy named Fernando? It is just so silly that people think that they can find a lasting relationship online.

It is ridiculous to me that people think all about the outside. Where is wisdom?

I, in my life have put my trust in God. That means, no matter what issue I should seek his guidance and do it in faith.

Yes, God can find a husband for me. If I am meant to marry it will happen. I will judge a man by what comes out of him (his fruit) not by his looks (though if a handsome man comes along a young lady can't help but be struck).

My question is this: Is attraction meaningful? Yes, it brings two people together (that is a factor), but in the long run? I believe that in the long run it is commitment that cements a relationship. Also, the two must be built on the rock, which is Jesus Christ.

Tasks that need completing

Today I feel quite lazy. I know deep inside I should be turning to my studies. I feel quite overwhelmed at times by my slow manner in which I learn.

I know we all have our strengths and weaknesses and we must come to terms with them, but at times I wish I was better at some areas in which I am weak.

The task is not impossible but the way I learn is in increments and when I learn- oh what joy!

Yesterday, I took over shopping for my Mom. I wished my Mom hadn't taken the job organizing for my aunt and I felt sorry- leaving her and that she had accepted too much on her plate.

My Mom takes on too much at times. I wish she would let me and my younger sisters help her. I have been trying to help her with little tasks here and there. Mainly printing and helping her get to sites on the internet.

Well, I have to go help Mom fold the laundry.